I was raised in an extremely closed-minded and conservative family. As a child, I remember never having any discussion with anyone over any facet of their identity, be it their race, their class, their gender, or their sexual orientation — I lived in a don’t ask don’t tell world. And don’t get me wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with that — that is unless of course you have a story to tell, yet no room for dialogue exists. So when two young men raped me when I was ten, I was shocked that I didn’t know how important it would be to need the full support I would need to fully comprehend what had happened. You see, this was all occurring at a time where I very much felt like a girl at times on the inside. That feeling had absolutely nothing to do with being raped, but all of this was way too much for a youngster to try to bury deep down let alone attempt to process. 

Over time, I came to learn how to bury my feelings, and still do but that initial failure and cross-pollination of sorts of my mental and emotional anxiety still rattled me whenever it crossed my mind. Years later, as a second year in college, I realized that I had fallen for a beautiful woman…who was straight and felt I could leave it all behind. I never doubted my feelings but did consider them an incident, never to happen again. I had wondered if it was boyfriends I secretly while in high school and boyfriends while in college, but this must have been just a blip on my radar. Even when I came out to my wife as gay decades later. Little did I know that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I wasn’t gay, I was genderqueer or even possibly transgender.

Transgender and genderqueer are two terms that are often used to describe individuals who do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, but they have different meanings and implications.

Transgender refers to individuals whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth. For example, a person who was assigned male at birth but identifies as female is a transgender woman. Transgender individuals may or may not choose to undergo medical interventions such as hormone therapy or surgery to align their body with their gender identity. It’s important to note that being transgender is not a choice but rather a fundamental aspect of a person’s identity.

Genderqueer, on the other hand, refers to individuals whose gender identity is outside of the traditional binary system of male and female. This can include individuals who identify as a combination of male and female or neither male nor female. Genderqueer individuals may or may not experience gender dysphoria (the feeling of discomfort or distress caused by the mismatch between one’s gender identity and sex assigned at birth) and may or may not choose to undergo medical interventions. Some genderqueer individuals may prefer non-binary pronouns such as they/them or ze/hir instead of he/him or she/her.

While both transgender and genderqueer individuals experience a mismatch between their gender identity and sex assigned at birth, genderqueer individuals may reject the binary system of male and female altogether, while transgender individuals may identify strongly with one of these genders. Genderqueer individuals may also face different challenges and experiences than transgender individuals, such as having their identity invalidated or erased due to a lack of visibility or understanding of non-binary gender identities.

I have learned that gender identity is a complex and personal aspect of a person’s identity, and not all individuals who do not identify as male or female identify as genderqueer. Some may identify as genderfluid, agender, or another non-binary identity. It’s also important to respect an individual’s preferred pronouns and terminology and to educate oneself on the experiences and challenges faced by transgender and non-binary individuals.

I’m still not sure where this leads me. I battle depression today in that it is difficult trying to live an authentic life in a world where the heterosexual David is the norm rather than the truest sense of who I came out as publicly last October. People who are not educated on the LGBTQ identity and/or sexuality meaning ask “what difference does it make whether or not you come out and live your life accordingly?” All I can suggest is that internally, being forced to live metaphorically behind the bars of a homophobic/transphobic society makes it impossible to live an authentic life. I hope to have the courage to do just that… be me.