I never meant to cause you any sorrow

I never meant to cause you any pain

I only wanted one time to see you laughing

I only wanted to see you laughing 

and playing in the rain

The lyrics were borrowed from Prince’s song Purple Rain with a slight change in the end. I change the end to reflect on the joy of a child playing in the rain and jumping in mud puddles. I don’t recall my kids ever really doing that, but the visual is pretty perfect when I think about dropping all the rules of their parents and just being joy-filled while getting wet and enjoying a muddy mess. Bliss.

These first few lines open the song Purple Rain. For me, they speak to the reason I wrote these blog posts in the first place. I have share a life-altering change through these posts — my coming out of the closet. This has caused a great deal of pain and confusion for my children.

I certainly never meant to cause my children any pain, but for them to learn a new identity for their Dad has left somewhat of a grieving process. The Dad they grew up with is different from the Dad they know today. Well, the Dad is the same, but ideas as to what it meant for me to be their Dad was and is different. I respect that there is a mourning of sorts, a grief that can’t be spoken, if I could steal a lyric from Victor Hugo’s song Empty Chairs at Empty Tables. I do not wish the pain to go on and on.

With such a shift in a beautiful family, communication has to be key. I have written here about an unspoken pain I felt and in so doing have caused pain in loved ones. My intention was clearly to never cause pain, but to truly know myself and to be authentically known.

I love being a father. I have come to the conclusion that I came out late in life as a blessing. When I was young, there was no decisions to be made — I felt I was different being queer and that absolutely could never see the light of day, so it was buried deep within me. I became the David my parents raised me to be and learned to live my life accordingly. 

I played every sport available to me with baseball probably being my favorite sport with the Cubs still being my favorite team. I excelled at it. You can’t excel at something that you do not truly love. I still love baseball. There is an art to the game. As simple as we teach our children that in baseball, you catch the ball, you throw the ball and you hit the ball. Sometimes you play tag that includes bases and eventually coming home if you’ve done well. That sounds very simplistic, but even as I write this, there is a beauty, a dance, going on with this simple game. 

Sure the simple game gets complicated when we are asked to hit a ball of wound string wrapped in leather and the person throwing it at us at 90mph or perhaps the person throws it at our heads and then all of a sudden it turns down and away from you called a curveball. Or it could be the round ball that is hot by a round bat that leaves at impact at over 100mph to travel along the ground only to find every dirt clod and rock and chunk of grass before another is expected to catch it. Then in a split second the person catching the fickle ball has to throw it to one of the bases to begin the game of tag. It’s a beautiful game that I still love like I was 12 all over again.

I don’t do well when I sit idly doing nothing but thinking. My mind races. Sports for me provided a way for me to focus on a specific set of rules in an attempt to perfect those rules as best I could. I was an all star in baseball, because I learned the rules and worked hard at a game. I imagine if I had not had sports to dominate my thoughts in this way, life would have been harder. I think God introduced me to sports as a way to just be 12 or whatever age I was when playing.

The joy a father has when sharing that passion for learning the fundamentals of a game with his children is pure joy. Playing and working tirelessly trying perfect the simple fundamentals allows a father to relive his childhood all over again. I had played very little soccer when my daughter learned how to play. I worked hard with her to learn the fundamentals together and together we tried perfecting a game we both fell in love with. To be honest, I fell in love with my daughter’s love for the game. She was a four year starter for a 5A Florida high school. I sure as heck never accomplished anything like that. She got there, because of her passion for the beauty of a simple game.

I was a catcher in baseball and always loved the position, because I felt I controlled the game. Control is the greatest human disillusion, but it worked for me. I pitched a little, but only because I could throw hard. My boys were both pitchers, but when they weren’t pitching, they were both shortstops. I always wanted to be a shortstop, but I lacked the most important aspect of being able to play that position — talent. Shortstops and Centerfielders are the best athletes on any baseball team, ask anybody. Both were all stars and both were extremely talented.

I reflect as I often do, because I know I wouldn’t be who I am without my past. I regret nothing in my life and plan to write more about that one day. But I was asked recently if I regretted making the decision to come out of the closet or if I regretted waiting so long to do so. I explained my reason for having no regrets ever. I don’t regret making the decision to love myself enough to just be me. When I see my beautiful grandkids being parented by my amazing kids I know God has had a pan for me all along. When I have fun with my youngest son in showing him photos of me at his age with him freaking out over the resemblance, I find the same kind of beautiful dance and joy of life that I found in sports.

I love my kids. I love my wife. And the truth of it is, I finally love me. I don’t know what the future holds, but one heck of a beautiful foundation has been laid.